ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
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Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
my astrological sign is a french fry
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…