Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
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WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???