My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
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Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.