flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
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Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Monday
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces