Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
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Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Still cracks me up
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories