In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
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CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
This is not me but this is me
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.