ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
You Might Also Like
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Don’t make me out nice you.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
remember
only for emergencies
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”