Best table by far
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Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
This is my emotional support knife.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣