(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
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wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*