Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
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My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick