Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
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Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?