I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
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no one ever comes back
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.