*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
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In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.