A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
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20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.