I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
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I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.