When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
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Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
i was baptized in a car wash
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Noted.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.