Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
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Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
looks legit
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.