One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
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I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Don’t tell me what to do
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*