I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
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My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.