An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!