Found the job I’m suited for
You Might Also Like
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I don’t think my car can fly
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!