Dolls on drugs
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Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Yeah. This was me today.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.