“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
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ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
The honesty is refreshing
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them