Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
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The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.