I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
You Might Also Like
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick