You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
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Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.