I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
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bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Well well well…
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.