Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
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I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
sry
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty