You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
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My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker