What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
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DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Your honor these allegations are
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?