It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
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kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Jesus Christ lmao
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
White Castle for the Win
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once