12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
You Might Also Like
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
my fav colour is also hitler
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.