Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
You Might Also Like
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.