-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
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“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
WTF IS THAT!
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat