I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
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Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Coffee for people with no kids
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco