Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
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I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.