Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
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I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
lol
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.