Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
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For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it