There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
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Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Mornin
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?