Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
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Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.