“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
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I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I am a gravy boat captain
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars