My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
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boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
No point crayon over spilled milk.