*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
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A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
This is I, Robot all over again
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!