You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
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About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Me in tagged photos
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ