Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
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[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed