Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
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25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and