I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
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[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.