The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
You Might Also Like
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil