Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
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Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.