If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
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SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.